- 'New friend' sits in the driver's and sweetly says to me, "You can borrow my jacket."
- I am slowly deciphering the difference between reality and my dreams. For this excerpt of my dream I actually realized I was in a dream and then decided to pull my leg over my head.
- I was laying on Sprad and he said to someone something along the lines of, "It's cute, she falls asleep everywhere." Apparently I fell asleep laying over him.

*Usually my dreams are so similar to real life, that I can never tell the difference between reality and dream-mode. I've been doing a lot of reaing on lucid dreaming and some of the tricks are to say to yourself throughout the day, "I am awake." Write an 'A', which stands for 'awake' on your hand everyday and look at it several times a day. When it is not in your dream you will realize you are dreaming. Kind of cool! I'm working on it harder and harder this summer, since I have the time to dedicate it to lucid dreaming.

Tell me if any of you try it this summer.
http://www.wikihow.com/Lucid-Dream

[Collection of thoughts that run through my mind as I sit at gate A33 of DFW airport...]

I forgot my headphones at home.
I just saw a baby pushing her own stroller.
The man next to me who is a Michael Moore lookalike just said, "It's been a fucking nightmare," on the phone.
I love seeing Army men walk through the gates. I want to join the Army.
I was feeling good because I walked off of my last flight and received a text from 'new friend' saying, "Fresh brownies..." He would... just as I landed in Dallas.
I got sucked into buying a strawberry Dunkin' Donut somehow.
My eyes are burning.
The man that just walked by has the shortest arms and no neck.
I would die for a neck massage right now.
'New friend' won't text me back. Fml.
Earlier this morning some country boy grabbed a basket for me at the TSI security and said, "Only cause you're pretty."
Azn on heelies. Woah.
Another obnoxious guy on the phone talking about Lady Gaga.
Pretty sure just saw Duff from Ace of Cakes. Need to go investigate...
It wasn't him. Fml.
Wait. Someone just took a picture of him. I really think it's him.

And what a surprise
To look in those eyes
And find suddenly
He is Jack the Ripper
Too suddenly, he was Jack the Ripper

Woke up from a two hour nap little more than 30 minutes ago. Dreaming about the decision which was left to me about creating a new batman video game. I envisioned a fantasy batman-type with long frayed wings and building tops with glowing lights. 'Twas awesome.

On a more serious note, I went to see Dr. Christian yesterday morning about my mysterious leg condition that I have been suffering from for the past three years or so. "Shin splints? Stress fractures didn't heal properly? Medial tibial stress syndrome?" --No. After numerous tests and x-rays, bone scans, MRIs, the condition was still a mystery. But yesterday the doctor had me run on a treadmill until my legs began to hurt and after the 11 minutes on 6 mph that I survived (somehow), I jumped off and he measured the pressure in my legs by sticking a needle in my right leg. 25. After five minutes, it should have gone down below 15, but it stayed above 20. There was the proof that I have compartment syndrome. Surgery required in about two weeks and six weeks of recovery after that. I couldn't be happier that we finally found the answer!

More updates:
- No Bonnaroo this year after all. Lack of money, time, transportation, etc. SO we are going to pitch a fort in our livingroom and burn clips from our favorite bands to create our OWN Bonnaroo. Bailaroo. Noice. And we get to keep our $500.

- Going to Houston, TX tomorrow for about a week to visit Kelly and while I'm there take the SAT and see her older sister Carly's high school graduation.

- Haven't spoken with 'new friend' in a few days, which gives me a bit of anxiety. Maybe my form of education was different, but I learned that when a sentence ends with a question mark you are supposed to respond with an answer. So my question that was simply about location got no response, which makes me feel dumb.

- No art camp in Memphis, TN anymore. Leigh's brother's girlfriend's baby will be born the week of the camp at Memphis College of Art. I can't wait to visit New Orleans though. Just can't wait. No news on when exactly that will be. Leigh should make her visit to Charlotte before that, so we can travel to LA together.

- Not getting my braces off until the end of July or maybe even the beginning of August. U____U

- I'm wanting some changes this summer. That's all I really have to say about that. I don't know what that means specifically, but nonetheless, change is very much wanted.

It's so good to see you have a community, diagnosis, and prognosis. I'm just feeling left behind and like there is no answer to what condition I have. There has to be a name for it. It's the feeling that I'm sometimes alone but not lonely, and lonely even when I'm not alone; so trapped in my passions, never understood; almost living in a different world than everyone around me. It leaves me at a loss for words and frankly, it's mentally/physically exhausting. There's the priorities I need to attend to: the trips to Houston and New Orleans, possibly Bozeman; making friends with people in my own grade, because the small amount of friends I did have graduated and are moving soon; hanging out with my friends that are moving onto college; taking advantage of the fact that my sister doesn't have a job and can spend time with me... the list goes on. I'm trying to take my emotions out of the equation, which sometimes makes the picture clearer, without the distractions of wondering who is being hurt. Then it just flows. Zombie. Breakdown. Dead. Falling apart. Together. Into shreds. In the matter of a minute. My sense of urgency and time are completely out of the window. I sleep for hours during daylight, or spend hours with just one person, or sit in my house which has no phone service for hours and step outside only to be bombarded with "where are you's" and "what are you doing's" ...and I genuinely appreciate it, until I realize the lack of time I have to make up for everything. And I just get angry at myself and want to sleep again. And it's just a snowball effect of excuses.

Part of me just pressed the snooze button on life... slowly I've been pushing the people who mean the most to me away. 

The other part of me says, "SEE YA BITCH!!"

Check it:



...

It's an unhealthy coping mechanism, but I tell myself that the people I love will always be there. Whether or not there is thruth in that, is not for me to think about NOW. I've decided: I'm in the time of my life where I need to start thinking about possibly considering a temporary plan. Okay... I need to be honest right now and say that the plan needs to be more than temporary. I'm the jack of all trades, master of none. Back in my day I set records in 100 meter hurdles in track, got my black belt at age 8, did gymnastics, cheerleading, tennis, became the number one softball pitcher in my league, played violin for 8 years... and then I lost all of those things. I can write with passion and flair, draw mediocrely, sort of sing, and do mah thannnng, HOWEVER... the time has come where I need to decide which path it's gonna be. Deciding whether drawing and writing is going to be a hobby or a way of making a living. Considering the competition in that kind of living. Considering the location. The finances. The passion. Need to determine my absolute and comparative advantages, naw meen?

So here's the new crazy ideas of the day:

-Joining the National Guard Army
-Becoming a Nascar driver

Now watch me do it.

I knew not what I'd gotten into
Sounded too good to be true
Nothing this good comes this easy
I ride on a wave of time, trusted my life/vida in you.

The crowd of hags - the cause of loss.
He found his dags - I loss my mind/self/cool.
If he comes back, let not him ask.

The lines of the court disconnected/ing
Actions I think not before
Motion of fight out of left sight
Not near enough to scatter my aim, my self-distractive game.

_
_
_

I physically fill up my sweet tooth
Enter and leave on the dime
Exhale deeply before my class
Left feeling empty and full at the same time

 

We have lift-off.

I just wept for a few soft minutes.
Feeling so empty. I am convinced that in a crowded room I am still alone.

 




( You're telling me. )

*Epiphany*

I am living the equivilence of a painter without art supplies, a hunter without a gun, a dancer without a studio. Without my camera, without all the information I need, without supporters I am powerless. It takes one person to cause a big mess and HOW MANY to fix it...? I have relocated myself into the news room that is strictly for those who have no intentions of writing an article, so there is room in the larger room for those who need thinking space and concentration. I positioned myself in that room with Microsoft Word opened, the blinking I-bar waiting to progress, but it never moves. It blinks. Blinks. Blinks. Blinks. For long minutes. Invisiblechildren.com stays open, with several tabs. Without volume I am unable to hear what the website is saying. I now understand the idea of an INVISIBLE. CHILD. I wish I could hear you! I wish the others could hear you too! If I had the resources to write about you, to fully understand what your position is, and what the cure to all of this was, I. Would.


I end up closing my browser.

The globe on Mrs. Szymborski's desk stares me down, the continent of Africa sits on it's axis. Like Google Earth, I zoom in and the fake borders turn into streets and I can recognize where I am. In my backpack are two sticky notes, of teachers contacting me back so I can start on my projects to save certain parts of Africa and promote and raise money for these organizations. Only 9 days until the Rescue Me event for Invisible Children. Only 7 days until my bake sale to raise money for C.A.S.E. (Community Action towards a Safer Environment) based out of Cape Town, S.A. I need the help of my friends, the support of my family, the energy of the youth, and the blessings from God Almighty. I can do this. If you're out there reading this, do something.

Driving away.

Leaving it all.

Behind.

I am so alone in my world of music. I put this upon myself though, because I don't want to hear any of them talk. I definitely don't want them to try to understand my passion. I replicate every beat with my feet and inside of my body I just dance madly. Every joint in it's own direction. Each quiet lyric and symbal is in me. I am in my own world.

When everyone around you is dead, it feels like you're walking through a cemetary moarning for them at all times. While all this is happening, something worse is going on over there but we can't stop looking away from our own problems. It sickens me a little, because... when you overcome depression, you're ready to jump up and make things bright and lively again. Then something like this holds you back, just because everyONE around you is dead.

[In reference to the fact that Islam prophets can have multiple wives...]
Guys, if you want more girls, just become a prophet.
It's like being in a band. They have their guitars, you'd have your Koran.
-Mr. Henson (Bible teacher) aka Chuck-o

On that note, Spring is here and it's time for an epic update on life:

By doctor's order, softball is out the window. The results from my MRI show nothing out of the ordinary, so the mystery continues. I got 4 viles of blood drawn and sent off to continue testing, in hopes of finding something that explains this condition. Perhaps I have a vitamin D deficiency that would contribute to the pain I feel on a day-to-day basis. Without softball I feel a bit more lonely and weak; exercise does me a world of good.

Death Cab is coming on Thursday (Pat's Eighteenzies); no school on Friday or Monday for Easter Break! I have a lot of catching up to do, because my DCFC obsession was in 8th grade and between then and now I've done minimal listening to anything other than the album Plans and a little of Transatlanticism.

Summer is approaching so damn quickly, I can't even believe it. Today I realized that my birthday is in less than a month, but I already feel older than the age I will be turning (seventeen). Many things I can relate to with that age... Anthems of a Seventeen-Year-Old Girl by Broken Social Scene, Seventeen Years by Ratatat, etc!

Claire and I had the best weekend ever. Her parents left for the lake and allowed us to stay in their house because everyone we knew went to Chapel Hill. Food, Across the Universe, Ben & Jerry's, epic sleep.

( To pass the time... )

LOVE feeling professional in this tight-knit community of journalism and newspaper staff. I see Mr. Ector, the best teacher ever, and we pass one another in the hall and we're both holding cups o' joe... We both do the snap-point thing, maintaining a cool demeanor. Then I ask him, "How are you today?" He says, while faking a smile, "Exhausted. You?" I fake a smile and say, "Same." And that's that. Can't wait to be surrounded in a community like this in a future job.

Don't know if anyone else is mega frustrated or experiencing this problem... can't draw exactly what I see in my mind, and that is only blotches of images but an entire idea. Wish I could show my doodles to someone, just can't because they are sketches of my dreams and subconscious thoughts, and those are events that would never happen in real life. Like, I hang out with the people I want to more so in my dreams. I do what my body wants, what my body needs. ...Inappropriate. So if you know you're in my dreams get out, I don't need that. Need to hire a bouncer for my dreams and make a guest list. Sucks hard. Complete sentences don't exist today, partially because I got an unfair mark on my World Literature test. Who puts 'D' when there isn't even an answer 'D'... apparently me. The other reason is that a headache so large as to successfully cloud my brain has also taken my writing skills and the part of me that usually cares about grammar. Weezy claims, "Everything is easy baby give it up to Weezy baby." That sounds religious, or sexual. Heath is closer to God than Weezy is. No pun intended, heck he could be in Hell. Heck... Hell... man I'm funny. Back to more important things. Word travels like a wildfire, so I guess I better keep my actions to myself and maybe I'll wear a disguise if/when I decide to go outside again. "How To Deal With Your Stalker Ex-Boyfriend" is completely right. I should be doing more important things than wondering how he got a Brazilian girlfriend [potentially]. I should be reading a Wikipedia article on the French Revolution or do as my personality survey suggests, draft a will. Things in this world are super expensive, did you know that? I bet you did, but can you believe a simple designer dress on a stupid website that Nylon magazine advertises can be more than $400? Idiots buy that, it's not even a prom dress. Prom... *le sigh* is all I can say.

( I hope she never sees this... )

My friend and me were having laughs in a living room filled with arts and crafts. He said, "I like their clothes and their charming ways, but what I really want is a simple place with no fashion clothes, cause you can't eat those." Am I really all the things that are outside of me? Would I complete myself without the things I like around?

That's how Fridays should be spent. Exploring is my new practice, I just can't get enough. I sprawl out all over this town for one night and I'm hooked.

A) HAPPY [32nd... ew] BIRTHDAY JORMA! I wish only the hardest boat partying, jizzing in the pants, and sport liking for you.
B) Currently I'm battling the thought of quitting softball. The pain in my legs is getting out of control, and quite frankly, I blame it all on softball. The price I must pay is either doing something I love and be in pain OR give that thing up and be pain-free. Honestly, what to do?
C) Dealing with a little crisis that is rising to the surface, something that I've been experiencing since the beginning of last summer and has been increasing and tearing me apart from those around me. Social anxiety, specifically when around large groups of people (regardless of if I know them or not, but especially when I don't).
D) Mango sorbet cures everything sometimes.

So you think you're a Northshore kid, eh? Well, let's see how cool you really are. Put an x by the things you've done and send it onward.

( You might be a Northshore kid if you... )

Young red bird they're just natural feelings, I can't keep from changing my brain's bending my wants with my rights. Are my friends still half right and should I keep them separate from me? It's unclear then I get a cold, can I get a light? There's a certain type of easy pace that's what we need to make it.

Come in close, I trust you. Your nose dipped in my sweat, it dripped on your beautiful sweater kind of nice, should I really lie with you? I never know when I'm on my own. Are there more important things to do than kiss or sleep today we gotta wake up.

Then I talk to your breath and we enjoy the air, and I creep on your chest to the hut I have, where I pluck a few notes on the strands of your hair and I'm singing to you, what to do if I'd ask you to make funny faces with me in the mirror of the bathroom.

Know you're next. You make me feel alright. Are you just like me? Never gonna pick one kind of fruit like a mushed banana on your tooth? And you like the sting of the cherry juice never eat an apple thats just one color?

Young red bird they're just natural feelings, like walking off to ride my bike or just bump into you. I haven't seen you in a week or three days, though it really bugs me, it's nice to find new ways to smile. I keep thinking that when you feel sad, you can't pout cause what this song's about is me singing. I'm just wondering what to do with you, myself, and me naked in the mirror of the bathroom.

The music I choose to listen to during my study hall class always tangles my tummy and sometimes I feel a little nauseated. So I stood up and turned my notebook over to hide my doodles. On the sign in/out sheet you write your name, place you are going, and time you leave. I wrote 'bathroom', though I only wished to write 'no destination'. I just wanted to stretch. Because this is day two of our senior-less week. I finally understand. As an ignorant underclassman, I only wanted to exit high school, and couldn't believe when the seniors of my school weren't freaking out with excitment for making it to the finish line. In all my years observing, no senior had been jumping to leave high school. When the time comes it is somewhat overrated. We now have the opportunity to leave 5 minutes early at the end of class. And I choose to stay. Standing at the end of the plank, I chose to not jump. On my walk to no particular destination, I looked around to see yellow quarter strips of paper taped to almost every locker, including mine, saying, "Please turn in your course selection form by the end of this week. Thanks!" And rounding the bend into the senior hallway, it became even silenter. Taped to every locker was a personal banner or card from one of the clubs or supportive middle schoolers, "Thinking of you..." "Good luck in the future!" "Happy Birthday!", even. Touching the cards and smiling, I was caught off guard by the sound of a slamming locker echoing down the empty hallway. I took one more lap around the hallway, like every CCS student does to pass time--some even time themselves or set records for lapping the hallways. As I entered my study hall class I glanced at the clock to track how long I had been gone. And though it felt like a half hour I had been gone, it was a whomping 3 minutes. My tummy feels better. What a delicate day. I get lost in the posters hanging above the projector screen. A 1x1 ft. picture of a field of flowers, with snowcapped mountains; a stream and more flowers; an icy church with soldier standing trees; a prairie of trees with patches of the golden setting sun, with several colorful hot air balloons. And then another flash of reality: a tap on the shoulder. "Are you in Chemistry?" "No, I'm sorry." But in my head, I wanted to talk about the pictures with the boy who asked. Earlier this morning I got lost in the world map that covered the entire wall. "Do you miss it? Africa? Do you want to go back?" A girl asked me. Did I have it written on my face? I smiled with my eyes and that was all I needed to convey. The beauty of limited chatter is consuming me. I've gathered an understanding for what would've changed many things had I realized them earlier.

This is the beginning of the end for the senior class. For one, they are away for their senior trip in Disney World. The hallways are emptier, the juniors are given the opportunity to leave class 5 mins early, like the seniors usually are. Lunch is... quiet. I'm boothing it today. It's not lonely, in fact it's interesting. The most popular guy in my class is sitting behind me talking about his real insecurities that I never picked up on. The cutest couple is sitting at the table next to me, being cute. One of my favorite sophomores are sitting in front of me, turning around on occasion to ask questions like, "When's the last time you went to New Orleans? What are you working on? Having fun?" Everyone is acting low key and themselves. Time for class.

 
 
The melting of the snowman, the removal of Christmas boxes and lights is just a memory now. This weather is neither hot or cold, only stimulates the senses a bit--not much to notice. Room temperature, if you will. We all have lost an hour of sleep, and for me I lost an hour of togetherness. Being with friends in this time is just wonderful, beneficial, and sentimental. Activities galore. Looking forward to frisbee playing and other excuses to be outside among the grasses appreciating nature. Books are stacking in priority under my side table drawer, waiting to be dusted, to stretch their covers, and bend their pages. They are anxious like I am with many stories to help others. I noticed the beginning of the white fish smelling trees this afternoon. Spring is exactly that, the windup we've been waiting to release. Filled with excitement and ready for a new season, I am arms wide open for Spring 2009.


( Wild like children )

Feeling nauseated in fourth period, I glanced at the clock towards the back of the room only a few times. The times i did look at it, I imagined the minute hand at the 6; I was waiting for 2:30 to come so I could leave class and get ready for our first softball game. I got to skip out on writing an in-class essay, though I will have to make it up for homework, but it did help calm my nerves because I hadn't read the story the essay was about. Generally the day was wonderful. Visiting the McColl center for the Art II field trip made that possible. What a fantastic place! I can hardly wait to visit again--hopefully Saturday for the next opening?! The art was in my blood, it felt natural and in it's right place.

Game recap:
Disclaimer: The team we played was a public school, THEY WORE PANTS... you know what that means... BUTCH.
Also, 8 of the girls play year-round softball.
We haven't had any practices as a whole group.
Anyway.
We lost 0-15.
I made the only hit! -Double and then stole third.
I made a few plays out.
I pitched in a game for the first time since I was about 12.
We had the most fun as a team that we had had in a while.

Strength is what is getting me through this day.

Please don't leave me things that feel good.
I've been lucky trying to be good.

I want to smell the fire aroma.

Patches of memories clouding my mind. Ridiculously, lines of lyrics from multiple songs are looping. Currently a mixture of Animal Collective's album Feels (specifically the song Loch Raven, which has beautiful/applicable lyrics) and some Lucky Five. I look forward to showing my Africa slideshow to anyone who pleases in the near future, I need to talk it out some more. Seeing the TTS13 Central America blog with the videos of Evelina and Mallory playing games with the children broke my heart. Need a new adventure. Spring Break, I would like some beach attending and intense slumber partying, OK? Missing my LA babies. Had a great phone call with Leigh aka Li tonight on the subject of snow, Knights Knews, Sissy Nobby, summer 2009, and beautiful boyz. The sound of deep sleep nostril breaths... my new favorite. I adore the vulnerability and innocence of sleepiness. Looking forward to the rebirth of my camera, once it is fixed and mailed back to me; working on my colored pencil drawing; the unknown; frolic time in the snow tomorrow. Love when my sissy is in town, love hot chocolate, love cuddling. Content.

So yes, this year I am playing another year of Dykeball aka Softball. It's f'n ruff. My body is a cage right now, it keeps me from dancing with the ones I love. Last night during Lucky Cinco's show I teared because I wanted to continue dancing but then I died and my lower back started screaming. Why were some members of the band still fully clothed? FML. It is supposed to snow 6 inches today/night. I guess if my penis was stickin' str8 up and I was laying in the snow, you could still see it. GET IT??>? I think I'm pitching this year. We Like Sportz is going to be my theme sawng, hell yaahzzz. I want Jorma to come over, I miss him.

Praise God for Animal Collective (specifically Winter Wonderland), romanticism, fantasy, butterflies (specifically in the stomach), imagination, memories, a new day, study hall, stubble, and peacoats.

I'm straight up livin' a lie.








 

I'm very frightened. And almost convinced.
This battle, I am going to fight alone.

My heros have disproved themselves.

www.invisiblechildren.com

I need someone to come to Uganda with me this summer.

I don't remember the way she said my name. I can't recall the sound of her voice. It is breaking my heart.
Last night I dreamt I met TTS13. I can't even go into more detail. I feel broken up with. I feel abandoned. She is having the time of her life and I can't be there with her. Oh. My. God.



^^ Evelina, my baby :( She is the one in Central America right now.



^^Ginny being Harry, talking to the Mirror of The Erised. The Mirror responds to the question, "Does Ron Weasley love me? With, "He loves you more than you will ever know."

^^Harry Potter pool party at the Duwisib Castle in Namibia.


^^Pondering why the leaves are so expensive when we saw them on the ground a few sites back.



^^The slapping of the butts. By Cheyenne Hensey.


I miss HOME.

I think that I what I like most about art (class)... the feelings build: I am working on this, I don't like this, I can fix this, this is my art, I am done, I am having fun and lettig my creativity stretch it's arms in my mind. I am almost constantly in the frame of mind that regardless of if it is in all actuality the best of my ability, there will be others whose work is better or worse. "There is always going to be someone prettier and uglier. Skinnier and fatter." things COULD be looking worse for me. The best thing for me right now is to just hold on to the dreams I have now, eventually make them realities, and work work work for the glory of Him. Yes, I said Him. It's becoming something new yet oddly familiar. I have faith and finally am detaching myself from the thought that it would be cooler to be like everyone else and say there is nothing up there. Besides the point. Anyway, this journal entry is my witness. I will strive to be on SNL if it's the last thing I do. I need more experience. It's a stretch, I am nervous, but need to join an improv class and more creative writing. For one, I am filling out my Knights Knews app. currently.

Dear God,

Yowussup, I cannot believe you did this for me. Thank you so so so much.
You made this just for me, don't lie.



My two favorite things ever in one particular cut of film. Yes.

PS - You are awesome and I'll never forget this. I have missed Arcade Fire so much, and my new love has just proven to love dancing to Arcade Fire as much as me. This is so so good.

Let me begin with the fact that I began writing this at 10:10 AM and have caught every duplicate number time of the day for the past two weeks. *Loses weird that's so raven vision power, enters paranoia and intuition power*. The months of the visions have ended I do believe. I suppose it leaves with the season, or at least on the brink of the new season. My paranoia comes in the form of daydreams and nightmares. Usually concerning my dad's accident. I have to decide on one thing that I would take away from this world. I choose the incident of my dad's crash. "I wish the crash never happened!" Nothing changes and my dad gets older and in more pain everyday. I picture the possibility of a wheelchair! I see myself in the wheelchair. I see him not alive. MAKE IT STOP. You know the feeling: your conscience is screaming at you, and whether it be because of laziness or disbelief, you ignore it and regret it later. When this phase enters my life: the repetitive conscience tugs I receive, I then act on... even when my laziness is overwhelming me. If my tuition says "I should put on an apron so not to ruin this new shirt", I better. I didn't yesterday and the paint pump splattered like crizzazy. This sounds like some Toaist shit. "THE TAO. Believe it!" Now I am reminding myself of Reverend Run, only I'm not on a blackberry or in the bathtub. But my rituals of journaling on my iPhone are becoming FOR REAL, SPECIAL. All that's left is to REMEMBER THIS NIGHT TOGETHER. God I miss my friends in the NOL-504. Too bad it's more like MAN-985. Not AS hood but still... So I'm working out these days in more creative ways than I really hold the amount of creativity for, but what's a girl to do when her fractured legs are screaming? I've also found the agency of my dreams with casting calls once a month, right down the road. Optional monologue, in which I will totally choose one from Girl, Interrupted. I will probably work on it for a few months and wait for my braces to come off... 3 months baby! 6 years. Sheeeeit. I need to work on my PwrPt for Econ on Tom from MySpace. He is a pretty humble guy, I like that. I LOVE that I am learning about daily routine things in online Spanish II. I will be able to sing Daily Routine by Animal Collective in Español, huh? Jajaja. Life is good, just that my nose is infected ._____. lame. I hope I don't get a brain infection?!

The only inspiration I gather from others around me is because of how worthless and directionless so many of them are, only encourages me to be more successful than them. It's the thruth! That shit is stupid. The only fucking thing any guy in Charlotte cares about is the nookie for the night or shit up their noses. I can never rely on a good night when it involves any asshole in the 200 miles radius of Charlotte.

Dear sterotypical Charlotte male "adult",

Congratulations. You have officially unimpressed me to fullest potential. Your eyes are filled with evil, your mind is clouded with thoughts of girls or may I say "shawty". You make me feel so extremely embarrassed for my own gender. Being a woman fucking sucks if any positive productive quality is condemned. I will avoid you at all costs, because my anxiety can no longer handle any of your immaturity and selfishness. The only encouragemet you possess is for other guys to destroy the meaning of genuine beauty, companionship, an stability. You have been dismissed, but by no means will it stop or affect you. Of course there are still 500+ desperate, pathetic, needy, equally worthless, uninteresting, easy girls out there that will suck the shit out of your wang with pleasure. So you can use them, talk shit about them. This does not pain me as much to say that my life will be so much more clear without your aura of negativity and barbarian qualities. Fuck. You. Sluts.

With most anger and disappointment,
Taylor

I'm going to try to do one drawing a day. It is mighty exhausting but totally nostalgic, especially since I "drew" this in my doodle pad over a year ago and I'm just now getting around to digitalizing it.

Today's:


I got a deviantART account:
howzitgoing2end.deviantart.com/

I accidentally ended up listening to Pinback a ton and came up with a piece of art work. My tablet finally works.
Ugg. I can't decide if I like it, I will keep trying.
The angler.




( Inspiration )

Am I really that much of a chore?

The little girl next door reminds me of myself, in the sense that I too came home from school and immediately swang on my swingset. I remember I let my thoughts go and would swing with my eyes closed until I opened them and the grass was blue.

Last night,
I believe every person I know
Was in my dream last night
To be the polar opposite of what they are now

The conservative, sluttly
The ones I communicate with, quiet
The ones I miss, close to me
You there, here with me

I keep thinking the possibility.

We were just talking about her and then she texted; we were just talking about that song and now I hear it; my brain is hurting and now my brain is hurting more.

I believe centered is the best word to describe myself these past few days. School has become a great priority/time suck of mine, not that the work load is overwhelming compared to other people, but it's been quite different work from what I was doing in Africa. The teachers there were my friends/moms/sisters. That would be one of the other aspects of Africa I thoroughly miss.

+ Eating healthier
+ Becoming more flexible
+ At least considering dance classes
+ High grade on Bible test
+ Appreciating my surroundings
+ Dwelling very little
+ Donating/earning $ for clothes

Two sides of the spectrum. Always. Misery loves company. Also, I've discovered that I love love idioms.
I would really like to start reading The Story of B, which has been collecting dust in my closet.

PS - Summer 2009... NO MORE SUMMER SCHOOL!
Mrs. Foxx and I had our senior schedule planning and if all goes according to plan, I will be taking the following:

Digital Photography
Broadcasting
Study Hall
Apologetics
Honors Lit
Geometry
AP Gov
AP Studio Art

Not exactly the GPA booster I need, but getting higher than a 4.0 isn't EVERYTHING.
The fact of the matter is, I thought I was going to have to take Geometry this summer because of the way Africa changed my schedule.
And to end things on a very very positive note, I had no idea my courses in Africa weighed 1.0 (full year credit).

If you would, please keep in mind the group of girls that are currently making their way to Central America for the next 3.5 months. This is the same program I traveled with to Africa. Two of my good friends and two teachers from last semester are taking part in this trip as well. Knowing how stressful the times can be, how homesick they can get, keep them in your thoughts/prayers/etc. It would mean a lot to both me and them.

Kind of like a burn of happiness in my abdomen, staying quiet, sometimes giggle I no know.